France

This stuff is better than any You're a Star bollocks this election.

So now, it's down to two to take the prow and lead this escargot on to it's inevitable slimey future. Unfortunately, neither of them are my man, François Bayrou, but he took his 18 per cent with grace and has succeded in creating a whole new movement in the country where there wasn't one before, the centre. No, I'd rather say, the Centre. Because it's high time a civilised country had a strong centre even if such a government is still pretty much unthinkable due to at least three enormous factors
1 - Fear of Change.
The French have this in spades, whether it's governing style or pop-rock, they love the status quo, love Status Quo in fact, love things staying just as they are. now this is great for people who are into nostalgia, and I count myself among them, it's always 1987 here, just look at the amount of roller skates on the streets, but they can't get beyond a straight Left Right political landscape. But Bayrou got over 18 per cent, remember that's like...(stares at fingers) around 7 million people, twice the population of Ireland. So now.
2- Rascism
Is alive and kicking on the continent sadly. Almost alive and gassing. You'd think a region that has seen and reproached so many racial genocides from Armenia to the Third Reich to Srebernica would have gotten it's act together by now, but no. Identity is a big thing in a place where political divisions delineate so many countries rather than water and geogaphical features. Could you tell a Belge from a Frog or a Walloon from a Flem? They can, and they'd all rather do it with a blowtorch. But aside from all that it's the same old story; the spectres of colonial history and the reluctance to accept the humanitarian responisbility of an Imperial past.
It's for that reason that the Front National and their kind rob real politicians of precious votes.
3 - Money.
Always the bottom line eh? Who gets the most votes? Surprise surprise it's the man who is going to look after corporate interests and business, the ex finance and interior minister Nicolas Sarkozy. At 31 per cent he is breaking no moulds with this pattern, how many heads of state became so from a former financial brief? You don't even have to look far, John Major, Charlie Haughey, John Bruton, Bertie Aherne, Thatcher. Of course these people will always be elected, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, for they are the ones who best know how to squeeze the green from the stone. Business minded people will respect that, who follow elections? Business people, what section of society is most politically au fait? Business people. What do most people do in order to get money to pay for their nice life? They engage in business. It's simple mathematics.

So it's down to a straight clash between Sarko and the Socialist siren Sego (lene Royal) which will include the hotly anticipated televised debate.

What will she wear??!

More as it happens...

Lean Cat Oars

Apart from 'The Beam' in Star Trek; which could, according to Mel Brooks, occasionally make you appear planetside with your arse twisted the wrong way, there simply isn't a better, cheaper, more reliable public transport system than the Paris Metro.
It may have features that some weaker mortals might consider drawbacks such as lack of toilets, endless parades stairwells, bums, violence, broken escalators, stench, rats, and generally unbelievably rude Parisians, but these things are all part of the charm and are far outweighed by the efficacity of the beast. The variety in look/ theme of the stops, most with their own distinctive feel and history, the double-barrelled names as the French flounder to decide which general to glorify, the quaint direction plaques over the tunnel mouths, not to mention the amazing art nouveau sculptures on most of the centre de ville entrances looking like something from a Tim Burton movie.
Each line has it's soul for me. Let me guide thee ont.
Line 1 Yellow
A modern and fast sucker that ferried me to work at La Défense each morning from the Arch De Triomphe. Great because it comes out of the ground into the sun at Neuilly and races the cars into the skyscrapers. Exhilarating.
Line 2 Blue
Not one I take often but it goes through the red light district in Pigalle if you're so inclined and isn't in the best state of repair.
Line 3 Greyish
Goes out to Levallois, but not all the way, which is the furthest place I've had to work and a pain in the hole. Also goes to the Pere Lachaise so you get a lot of tourists in the same wagon as pickpockets.
Line 4 Violet
Ah, the line between Clignacourt and Porte D'Orleans, predominantly the line of black people and a massive intersection with both Montparnasse and Chatelet. A rough line with a high scumbag element but unfortunately often necessary to take.
Line 5 Orange
A useful line that services Bastille and République and so is often packed with revellers at night, nice view coming out of Gare D'Austerlitz.
Line 6 Light Green.
The line of my old haunt of Cambronne. Beautiful, it's the one from Amelie Poulain that you see. The Aerienne with the best views of the Paris toits and spins by Les Invalides, Tour Eiffel at Bir Hakeim, so plenty of Americans and also to Trocadero and Etoile. Has the highest percentage of buskers on any given day ranging in quality from panhandlers to orchestras. Extremely long line too, but slow by compàrison.
Line 7 Pink
Would it be fair to call this the gay line? Well why not, there's always a gay something in Paris., and it goes through the Opéra so that works.
Line 8 Mauve
Extremely useful line that always seems to connect with everywhere no matter where you are, which it should'nt really by logic, but I'm telling you, it does! Actually, a massive area covered from Cretéil to Balard going through the vital connection of La Motte Piquet Grenelle.
Line 10 Light Brown
Goes out to the woods of Boulogne for all your hand job needs. Yes, THOSE woods.
Line 11 Brown
Nobody ever takes Line 11. It's shite, hence the colour. Second only in shortness to Line 3b which doesnt even deserve it's own category having just four stops. Harrumph.
Line 12 Dark Green
Now we're getting there! For some reason I like this line, probably because it goes through nice areas so has very few scumbags and racaille, the line of true toffee nosed Parisian dames and their poodles in their handbags. Snooty name stops too like Marie D'Issy and Abbesses and Corentin Celton.
Line 13 Torquise
Dirty and pointless line that forks off into no mans land in the North and down into the filthy flea markets at Vanve in the south. True to it's unlucky number.
Line 14 Purple
THE KING OF LINES!
A beautifual experience from start to finish. no driver, this robotic, ultra sophisticated machine is like something from Cybertron with it's silent whir, animal speed and Space 2001 voice in many languages. Bombs it in 10 mins from our gaff in Tolbiac to the city centre. Pristine and modern terminus at Bibliotéque Mitterand with, gasp!, Elevators for wheel chairs! The train even can be accessed by the the disabled by dint of it's low cantle. Only one negative point, the overwhelming reek of bitumen at Madeleine. And they are building a new stop at Olypliades this summer.
Goes to Bercy too for concerts. Ah, what a line.

Jesus.............why did I do this again? Oh yeah, I love the Metro. For more information about the Metro consult the RATP or better still, come to visit me in Paris and here me wear your ear off in a condesceding tone.

Ace!

A long time in politics

Is it yourself?

Sure who else.
Anyway, I have to let you know, everything is brilliant at the moment. Not only is the searing sun turning my skin from it's usual chalky white into a pleasant sickly pale, but I have gone up in the world in two senses. Both are literal and figurative at once. New apartment, has raised us up by five flights and is superior so that's that covered. New job, raised me up by 18th floors and augmented salary and power, in Montparnasse Tower of Power. Check and check. So now, I'm sitting exactly where I want to be sitting and even though I'll admit to a certain few butterflies at the prospect of being a hardcase manager of an internationally renowned organisation and looking after almost 700 students and a team of teachers and support staff whilst trying to reach targets and all that hoo hah, but sure, at this hour of my life it's about time I was the organ grinder and not the monkey.

On to other thoughts, I've just realised one of the key signs that indicates an idiot. It's when a person objects to a generalisation by using a specific case. For example, if you were to say something like "Gay people don't usually like football" and then some rubberhead says, "that's not true! I have a friend whose brother is gay and he is a diehard Liverpool fan!"

Do you see what I mean?
Note it down on your 'spotting retards' checklist.

This week I have bought a fridge, a bed, a table, a couch and a mattress that cost 399 euro alone.
I MUST be a big time Charlie now with that kind of senseless expenditure!

Listen, I can't be inside doing this in such weather, it's a sin. I'll be onto you again.

Go easy on yourself.